


Lost, Found, Restored, Protected

by MadameClutch



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Best Friend Garrus, Depression, F/M, I renamed it, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyandry, Self-Harm, Thane Lives, Things will get better, f/m/m pairing, non-canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2018-07-28 17:45:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7650493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameClutch/pseuds/MadameClutch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myissa Vaenris lost her fiance, Commander Johnathan Shepard, to the collectors.<br/>This is her story of love lost, love found, love restored, and love protected.</p><p>Note: Bioware owns Mass Effect, not me. I'm just playing around in their universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Since I made up names, I'll tell you how they sound in my head.
> 
> Myissa Vaenris - MY-issah VAIN-ree
> 
> (I'll explain more as they happen.)

It was a caramel chai kind of morning. Myissa Vaenris slumped through the kitchen, wearing nothing more than her boyfriend's, _no, her now fiancé's,_ oversized N7 tee, her thick, brown hair tied up in a messy knot atop her head.

 

As she set a kettle of water to boil, she rummaged through the cupboard for the last packet of the spicy sweet tea. She inhaled deeply as she dropped the sachet of spices into the waiting mug, the tea bag quickly followed by the steaming hot water from the kettle. Her feet shuffled as she walked into the living room, absently flicking on the news as she sipped at her beverage.

 

"This is Emily Wong with breaking news. The SSV Normandy was attacked today while on a shakedown run orbiting Alchera."

 

Myissa froze.

 

The Normandy.

 

John.

 

No.

 

"... Though there are survivors, we have yet to know if Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, is among them." The ceramic mug slipped from Myissa's fingers, the hot splash of near boiling water coating her feet not registering as she watched Alliance Marines carefully pull Jeff Moreau out of the last pod. The man looked broken; mentally as well as physically. Jeff kept shaking his head, his lips moving but no sound coming out.

 

Myissa pulled herself closer to the screen, ignoring the broken mug under her feet. "Flight Lieutenant Moreau, where is the Commander?!" _Yes, where is John._ She saw the defeat in Jeff's eyes as the reporters began asking about Shepard.

 

Her hearing faded out into a dull ringing as she watched the broken man's head shake, his mouth forming the word "No." Bile rose in her throat, threatening to spill past her lips to join the river of tears on the floor. Her heart pounded, low and deep, breaking harder as she felt the cold weight of loss press down upon her.

 

It was a while before she realized that the pounding wasn't only her heart. Tearing her gaze from the screen, she slowly went to answer the door. As the door slid open, she met gazes with David Anderson, his normally calm demeanor frenzied with grief as he stared into her pale blue, watery eyes. "Myissa, I..." He started before looking down and behind her, noticing the drags of blood on the floor from where the broken mug had sliced the bottom of Myissa's foot. "Damn it, girl!" Anderson swung the disconnected woman into his arms, carrying her over to the sofa, turning her to face away from the holo screen that still projected the grim news.

 

As Anderson searched the kitchen for a tube of medigel, Myissa sat on the couch, oblivious to the pain in her foot. He was gone. John. The man who had only just asked her to marry him. Gone. Her thumb rubbed at the slim, platinum band that circled her left ring finger. John had taken the time to special order the black diamond and ruby ring to match his N7 colors that Myissa adored.

 

She felt something snap inside her, a sob escaping her lips as she hugged herself, a whine of grief passing her lips. Her fingers clenched into claws as she began itching at her wrists, softly at first, but then harder; hard enough to tear into her delicate skin. Her whine of loss escalated into a soft wail as she began rocking in place, her tears carving hot, wet paths down her cheeks as she tore at her wrists.

 

At the sound of her screams of pain, Anderson rushed from the kitchen and back to Myissa, freezing at the sight of the hysterical woman. She was madly clawing her wrists as if trying to end her life and join her fiance in death. Dropping the tube of medigel that he had found, Anderson moved to pull Myissa into a tight squeeze, his hands prying her grip away from her wrists. She fought him every moment, screeching that she needed to be with him, that she couldn't live without John.

 

After finally pulling the woman away from herself, Anderson held Myissa close, feeling her collapse against him, still howling her sadness, shaking in his embrace. Still holding her hands in one if his, Anderson opened up his omnitool, sending a ping to Garrus Vakarian, John's closest friend, requesting that he come to Shepard's apartment as soon as possible.

 

It took the turian a very short time to make it to the apartment, not bothering to knock as he entered. As soon as he heard Myissa crying, he began keening his own mourning, the sound of his subharmonics pulling the woman put of her daze momentarily. She locked eyes with her turian friend, immediately reaching out for him.

 

Garrus stumbled over to his best friend's fiancée, pulling her close to him, holding her tightly but gently as they both released their emotions. His three fingered hand came up to stroke Myissa's hair, his keening slowly turning into a soft, almost melodic rumble as he comforted the broken girl, his cobalt gaze wavering with grief. Myissa clutched him tighter, her face buried against his chest as she wept, her body collapsing in his grip.

 

Garrus' arms wrapped tighter around the exhausted little human as he whispered to her, his gravelly voice breaking slightly. "I know he asked you. You know he'd never want you to be alone, Issa. I'll be here for you, always. No Shepard without Vakarian, and you're a Shepard in all but name." He brushed his mandibles against the top of her head as Myissa fluttered her eyes shut, the gentle purr from the turian lulling her to sleep. Garrus stared blankly at the walls of the apartment, Anderson's presence all but forgotten as Garrus held the sleeping woman. "I'll keep you safe for him, Myissa. I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Alliance mourns the Normandy.  
> Myissa remembers John.  
> Myissa tries to not remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs that helped inspire this chapter-
> 
> Heart of Courage by Two Steps From Hell  
> Paradise by Within Temptation  
> Teardrop by Massive Attack

After about three months of searching for the Normandy, Captain Anderson had approached Myissa, trying to gently tell her that the Alliance was suspending the search for Commander Shepard's remains. Anderson had stood at a stiff attention, his voce monotone and cold as he told the woman that they were giving up on her fiance.

She had gazed out of the window of her, _their_ , apartment, her eyes dry with grief as David's words reopened the still tender wounds of her broken heart.

 Now, she sat between John's mother and his best friend as Admiral Hackett gave a eulogy for the Normandy and her crew.

"Six months ago, we received the disturbing news that the SSV Normandy SR1 had been attacked during a routine reconnaissance mission above Alchera. That day, twenty-one lives were lost. Twenty-one sons and daughters brought down by an unknown enemy. Twenty-one brothers and sisters, taken away from their family.  
"Commander Johnathan Shepard, Spectre, Savior of the Citadel. Charles Pressley, Navigator and XO of the SSV Normandy..."

Myissa wrung the event program between her fingers, constantly rolling it up and unfurling it as Hackett listed the lost crew members, her mind drifting from the speech and plunging into memories.

***

"Tennyson?" Myissa looked incredulously at the tall, obviously military, man in front of her. It had been a slow day at the Zakera ward's only library. Myissa keyed up the search index on her console, typing in the author's name quickly. "Huh. No one's wanted any Tennyson in... Fifteen years?"

She looked over her black-rimmed glasses at the soldier in front of her. He grinned sheepishly and rubbed a hand over the back of his head. "Yeah, a crew member mentioned something from Ulysses," his low voice echoed around the empty lobby. "So I wanted to read up on Tennyson while on shore leave."

Myissa had nearly stopped listening to what he was saying, his smile having dazzled her thoughts into a stupor. Shaking her head, she drew her eyes back down to the screen in front of her. "Okay. Ulysses. We have a copy of it that you could borrow, if you have an account, mister...?"

"Shepard. Johnathan Shepard. I'm pretty sure I don't have an account here." Johnathan  flashed another smile, his blue-grey eyes sparkling. "But I'd be happy to open one here."

Feeling her cheeks heat slightly, Myissa turns her console toward Johnathan, dutifully gesturing at the form on the screen. "If you'd like to be part of the Zakera Library borrowing program, please fill out this application."

-Three months later-

John had frequented the lone library as often as shore leave had permitted. After his initial inquiry about Tennyson, he had returned every week or so. Myissa often looked forward to the days when the Marine was on the Citadel.

Since his first few visits, the two had exchanged extranet addresses, usually messaging about out of date Earth literature. Myissa often had questions about the Normandy's crew members; once, John had brought the turian, Garrus Vakarian, to the library. He and Myissa has an instant friendship that only grew over time.

Three months, and multiple visits after their first meeting, Myissa sat at her lobby desk, absently doodling on her datapad. It was the fifth slow day in a row, and she was absolutely bored.

"Well someone's super busy today." At the sound of John's voice, Myissa jumped, flushing as she met her friend's grinning gaze.

"I'll have you know I was in the middle of some very important calibrations." The pair laughed at Myissa's quip toward their turian friend. It had been over a week since John had been to the library, and his presence came as a surprise to Myissa. "So what can I find for you today, John?" she asked, her hands poised above her keypad.

John shuffled awkwardly in front of the desk, running his hand over his short hair, his face reddening. "I, uh... I actually came to see if I could ask you to be my date to this ceremony tomorrow evening. Y'see, I saved this colony, Zhu's Hope..."

***

"These twenty-one souls, dedicated their lives to the Alliance. Their service took then to the edges of the galaxy and back. Each one of them trusted Commander Shepard with their lives during the search for Saren Arterius, through the Mu Relay, and again above Alchera. Shepard sacrificed his life to ensure that every living crew member was safely evacuated from the Normandy."

"Together, we remember these brave men and women and their sacrifices, and their commander, Johnathan Shepard; a Marine, a Spectre, a fiance, and a friend."  
   
 Admiral Hackett moved his gaze to meet Myissa's as he spoke. Her hands trembled on the paper in her lap, the glittering gems adorning her left ring finger, flashing in the artificial light.

***

-One month after the defeat of Saren and Sovereign-

Myissa knew John's shoulder was still paining him, but the Spectre didn't let it show, especially tonight. Tonight marked one month since John and his crew had saved the Citadel and the Council from the geth and Sovereign. The entire crew of the Normandy occupied the ambassador's lounge, sharing dinner, drinks, and stories. Myissa was laughing happily as Jeff told her about the time her boyfriend had bet that he could drive the Mako up a near vertical cliff.

"Best hundred credits I've ever lost!" the pilot grinned, taking a drink from his beer. "Garrus screamed like a sorority girl on running night." Jeff flashed a smile at the indignant turian before turning back to Myissa. His eyes glanced behind the woman. "And it looks like it wont be the last bet I'll lose because of the Commander." He gestured for Myissa to look behind her.

She turned in her chair, still smiling, looking up, expecting to find John  behind her. He was, but he wasn't standing.

John was kneeling in front of Myissa, his injured arm still in its sling, his free hand proffering a small, black box.

Time seemed to come to a standstill, every gaze in the room in the couple. Myissa felt her eyes begin to prick with tears even before John spoke.

"Myissa, my star... Will you.." John barely had the question out of his mouth before Myissa was nodding, her smile breaking through tears of joy.

"John, yes. Yes!" she nearly yelled, her voice quivering with delight. Flashing his famous grin, John slipped the platinum band onto her finger, his own hand shaking nervously as the crowd applauded and cheered them on. As the newly engaged couple shared a passionate kiss, a dual-toned voice rose above the noise. "Pay up, pilot! I told you it would be tonight!"

***

"Let us have a moment of silence for our fallen soldiers." Hackett was concluding his heartfelt speech, lowering his head as the courtyard was wrapped in a hush, broken only by the quiet sobs of family and friends mourning their lost.

As the moment ended, the Admiral gave a tight _Thank you_ as he stepped away from the podium. Myissa stayed seated as Hackett left the stage, silent tears trickling down her face as she let the memories of Johnathan flicker through her mind. She barely noticed as Hannah Shepard wrapped her in a brief hug.

"You'll always be a part if the family. I'll always consider you my daughter, Myissa. You were good for him." John's mother murmured before moving off to speak with the other Alliance officers, a vision of composure as she accepted condolences gracefully.

Myissa finally stood when she felt the hand of her best friend on her shoulder. She looked up at Garrus, her eyes red-rimmed and wet. With a strangled sob, she wrapped her arms around the turian, sagging against him as he embraced her carefully. They stood like this for a moment, the almost widow and her friend.

"It hurts so much, Garrus." Myissa mumbles against the turian's chest, her eyes finally beginning to dry. A three-fingered hand rubbed across her shoulders lightly, a soft rumble of comforting subvocals surrounding the pair.

"I know, Issa. I know." Garrus bumped his forehead to the to the top of Myissa's head. This small act of affection made the woman smile sadly.

With a sigh, she finally pulled away, gripping Garrus' hand briefly. "Thank you, Gar. I... I don't know where I'd be without you." Myissa glances around the crowd filling the Presidium courtyard. She could almost feel the pity flowing from anyone who happened to meet her gaze. Her hands wrung nervously as she looks around for the nearest Rapid Transport pedestal. "I need... I need to go, Garrus." She looked up at him pleadingly. "There's too many people."

The turian nodded, gently gripping Myissa's elbow as they made their way to the nearest skycab. After another careful hug, Myissa reassured her friend that she'd be okay on her own from there.

After she slid into the skycab, Myissa scrolled through the list of nightclubs and lounges available on the console instead of keying in her address. After a brief internal debate, she directed the cab to take her to Flux; she had heard that it was more civilized than most of the other clubs on the Citadel.

During the ride, she stared out of the window, twisting her engagement ring around her finger. She continued toying with it as she exited the cab and slipped into the nightclub. The soft yet throbbing beat of the dance music swept over Myissa, the bouncer near the door giving her a polite nod as she made her way over to the colorful bar, perching herself on a barstool near the end of the counter, quietly ordering a drink from the Volus bartender.

After receiving her glass of wine, Myissa sipped at the drink, watching the other patrons mill around the nightclub. Asari and the occasional turian weaved over the dance floor, writhing and grinding along with the humans who were shimmying away their cares. The tables were mostly occupied by groups, probably chatting about the news or their work days. A couple lingered over their drinks at the cornermost table, their eyes never leaving each others'.

"Lively crowd tonight, eh?" said a voice near Myissa's shoulder, causing her to jump slightly. She turned to stare blankly at the man who had slid onto the seat next to hers. His bright eyes matched his smile as she met his gaze.

Myissa manages a polite smile as she took another sip of her wine. The fact that she was being talked to by the bearded man surprised her, and yet it didn't, seeing as she was a woman, alone, at a bar.

Rather than rebuff him straight away, Myissa let the man talk to her for a while, hoping the conversation would cheer her mood even a little bit. He introduced himself as Ruben Jacobs, a history buff working at a museum on the Presidium. Their polite conversation ranged from omnitools, to the news, to food, and then to old Earth media.

"So then, he does a fourth wall break _i_ _nside_ a fourth wall break! It was hilarious!" Ruben laughed as he finished off his third beer. Myissa let herself snort with amusement, her original glass of wine barely half gone. The conversation had been nice, but her mood just hadn't improved.

"So, h'what do you like to watch, Myissa?" Ruben popped his chin in his hand as he watched Myissa.

"Well, have you ever watched the old Earth movies called Star Trek?" Ruben nodded as Myissa took a longer drink of her wine before continuing. "Well, before the movies, there was an actual show, and I absolutely adore it. In fact, you look like one of the actors. I think his character's name was Wesley Crusher." She paused, looking down at her hand, the platinum band catching the light and Ruben's gaze. "John loved that show..."

Myissa lost herself in the memories of watching old bids with Johnathan, not noticing Ruben leaving, muttering under his breath about the cute ones always being taken. Raising her glass, Myissa drained the last of her wine, signaling the bartender over.

"Can I get you something more, miss?" the volus asked, his breather hissing every few words.

Myissa pushed her glass towards him, sighing softly. "Something stronger, please. Too many memories tonight."

"Perhaps a Weeping Heart? Seems appropriate." The bartender drew Myissa's attention to the Galactic News terminal near them with a discreet gesture, the screen showing a snapshot of Myissa staring at the empty casket of her fiance.

Her eyes prickled sadly as she nodded, refusing to stop watching the broadcast until the volus slid her cocktail to her. She took the glass, staring into the shimmering green liquid.

"To John." she whispered before taking a sip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.  
> Shout out to Mista J, who inspired the character Ruben Jacobs. Xoxo
> 
> The Deadpool reference, just to cover my bum, is ©20th Century Fox  
> Everything Star Trek is ©Paramount
> 
> This beast of a chapter took me ages to figure out, but I like it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myissa slowly spirals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.  
> So.  
> Its been forever and infinity since I've updated this, and I feel awful about it.  
> But, hopefully getting this chapter posted will kick me back into gear, and I'll have the motivation to work on this story more!

_7 1/2 months after Alchera, 1 month after memorial service._

 

It couldn't be him. He was dead.

 

Myissa stared at the man sitting across the table from her, his sad gaze meeting hers unblinkingly, his signature almost-smile playing at the corner of his mouth. She raised her glass to her lips, never breaking eye contact with her deceased fiance as she took a slow, deep sip of the fluorescent green liquid.

 

"You died. Eight months ago, you died" she spoke, her voice choked with emotion and roughened from the burning liquor that she had been partaking of most of the evening. She laughed dryly as she set down her glass, her eyes leaving the face of the man as tears began to gather on her lashes. "You shoulda seen the service they gave you. Even Hackett cried, John." Her sad laughter continued as she drained the last of her venom-laced cocktail. She signalled to the bartender with her free hand, silently asking the bored looking Batarian for two more Weeping Hearts.

 

Myissa sat in silence, keeping her eyes locked on the man in front of her until a sullen Asari server delivered the pair of vivid drinks. The waitress looked on with slight curiosity as the woman at the table slid the second drink over to the empty space across from her.

 

"Honey, you know drinking that many will probably kill you, right?" the Asari asked, after watching Myissa talk to apparently no one. She got only a passive shrug in response. Sighing, she walked off. "Your funeral, human."

 

Myissa snorted at the retreating back of the alien, taling a long drink from her glass. "Not my funeral. His." she said, raising her glass in a mock salute to the phantom. "To you, John, for pulling the biggest and best Houdini trick this side of the galaxy." She set her glass back to her lips, downing the burning liquid quicker than she had her previous drink.

 

She grimaced into the empty glass, avoiding the blunt stare of the man in front of her. "That volus said there pain would eventually fade." Myissa muttered to herself, her mind wandering as she began to lose herself in the memories of the first month after the service for the Normandy, her thoughts swirling from the pain of loss, the alcohol, and the venom that laced her many drinks.

 

That was how Garrus found her; drunk and mumbling into thin air, her table strewn with empty and near empty glasses. He sighed as he watched his friend tip the contents of her latest beverage down her throat. Trilling sadly, Garrus approached his mourning friend, taking her arm gently. "Come on," he rumbled, gently pulling a protesting Myissa to her feet. "Its time to go home."

 

The entire cab ride back to Myissa's apartment was filled with the woman's ramblings. She talked as if Garrus wasn't there; as if John were flying her home. The ignored turian was used to this routine. Myissa had begun drinking heavily since the evening of the memorial. Garrus even found her on his couch one night, hallucinating that John was still alive. Apparently visions and delusions were a side effect of the Weeping Heart drinks she had begin to consume almost nightly. He hadn't questioned how she had gotten into his apartment, so much as why she was talking to a dead man.

 

She had turned her face to him, her glazed over gaze meeting his tearfully.

 

"He drowned in space, Garrus. I'm drowning in myself."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of an interlude than a real chapter while I sort out the next proper chapter.

He watched from the shadows as night after night, the same woman visited the same bar, ordering the same drink.

 

And every night, the same turian retrieved her from her drunken ramblings and took her home.

 

He recognized her from the vids as the fallen Commander's intended.

 

He didn't think her mourning would continue so long.

 

He also didn't think he'd get attached to her so quickly.

 

He was the lone spectator to a slow and painful grief, an aura of devastating heartbreak emanating from the woman who carried on conversations with thin air.


End file.
